Thursday, April 1, 2010

Star Light, Star Bright

Sleep seems hard to come by these days. I stay up late and have trouble falling asleep. I lay there tossing and turning, but completely exhausted and desiring a full night's rest.

Ever since I was a little girl the night has always frightened me. I don't know why the dark is so scary, but it is. It feels foolish sometimes, but my heart starts to race at the thought of walking through our dark house at night.

For longer than I care to admit, my parents kept a mattress at the foot of their bed for me to sleep on. I would start the night out in my own room, burying my head under the covers and then scooting my body into the center of the bed. I was sure that if I was covered, that would somehow protect me from impending danger. But it rarely lasted long. I would fall asleep and be awakened by vivid, terrifying nightmares. I was always on the verge of death, but the story was never the same. Each night a different attacker chased me down.

Even now I still wake up on occasion with my body covered in sweat, heart racing. When I was pregnant I must have had 6 or 8 dreams about someone murdering the life growing within me. Thankfully the nightmares are becoming more and more scarce, but my fear of the night isn't. I hope to one day reach a point where I can wholeheartedly trust God to see me through the night.

Tonight isn't that night.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

It's the Little Things

I often wonder why so many other people seem to hear God's voice so clearly, but I don't. But then I think about it, and realize I have heard it, but didn't realize it.  He speaks to me about little things not the grand ones.  I believe that is because He knows that's all I can handle.  I still want to be in control, so I don't always trust Him with the big things.  He knows this and is teaching me to take small steps. 

Just last week I was feeling very stressed because I could not find a costume for the production I was set to be in.  All of my original plans had fallen through and I was at my wits end trying to find something to wear.  I prayed that God would help me not to be so stressed and that He would allow me to find a great costume for a reasonable price.  Shortly thereafter, the name of our local Dollar Store popped into my head.  And then - Walmart.  I had already planned to meet my husband after work to buy groceries, so I decided I would go try these two places.  Then my husband told me he was probably going to get out of work early and that he would just go buy the groceries so I could focus on finding my costume.

After my girls awoke from their naps I headed out to the dollar store and found a bunch of props for under $10.  Then I went across the street to Walmart and found a shirt and bag for $8. 

Divine intervention?  I think so.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Letter of Thanks

Dear Ma'am,

Thank you for being super annoying and unreasonable, and making ridiculous claims about a game you've never played. Thank you for making me lose two evenings of precious time with my husband. Thank you for making all my husband's hard work go down the tubes and forcing him to start from scratch. Thank you for pitching a hissy fit about something that neither you nor your family will be participating in. Thank you for making me have a terrible evening! Thanks so much! Really appreciate it!



Saturday, March 20, 2010

Psalm 53

I've heard it said that if you never question your faith, perhaps you aren't really saved at all. Those words are somewhat comforting, but not very reassuring. It's like an oxymoron I can't wrap my head around.

To be honest, it's absolutely frustrating. I went from one day feeling so secure in my salvation to the next wondering what in the world God was thinking. I feel irritated with Him and while I know that is wrong, I still am. I wake up almost every day with this anxiety that makes me not want to get out of bed. On the days that I don't wake up with it, I wake up with a fear that even though I am not feeling anxious right then, that I will be at some point later in the day. So, I guess that makes me anxious right then too.

And it's those days that make me angry that God doesn't just swoop down and lift me out of this stupid funk I find myself in. I mean, He is that powerful, right? So why won't He help me? What is the lesson I am supposed to be learning in all of this? Is there even a lesson to be learned?

Seriously, what the heck???

I just don't see what possible good can come from the anxiety I feel. It hurts me. It hurts my husband. It hurts my children. It certainly hurts my relationship with God. And yet, there it is. I've let it take too much of my life. Too much of my joy.

So here I am trying to reclaim it.

While I was searching for a title for this blog, Psalm 53 randomly popped into my head. Although as you read through it, you will probably see that it was anything but random.

1 The fool says in his heart,
"There is no God."
They are corrupt, and their ways are vile;
there is no one who does good.

2 God looks down from heaven
on the sons of men
to see if there are any who understand,
any who seek God.

3 Everyone has turned away,
they have together become corrupt;
there is no one who does good,
not even one.

4 Will the evildoers never learn—
those who devour my people as men eat bread
and who do not call on God?

5 There they were, overwhelmed with dread,
where there was nothing to dread.
God scattered the bones of those who attacked you;
you put them to shame, for God despised them.

6 Oh, that salvation for Israel would come out of Zion!
When God restores the fortunes of his people,
let Jacob rejoice and Israel be glad!